Appreciating Your Man
The other day, a grad school friend (one of the girls from the threesome I mentioned in the previous post) told me she and her somewhat long-term boyfriend are on a break. She said he was acting like a kid. I didn't pry, but she seemed very sad, so I expressed my condolences and said breakups (even if they're "breaks") are never fun. Later, when she expanded on her reasons for initiating the break, I became puzzled. She said she felt emotionally detached, that she would "bitch" to him about her drama, and she wishes he would "bitch" back about his own problems. Two seconds later, my own boyfriend sent me a text: "I miss you baby." Apparently she read over my shoulder, because the next thing she said was "See! Your boyfriend actually says he misses you. I'm tired of always making the effort with mine."
There are three takeaway messages from this short anecdote:
1) My friend was comparing boyfriends. I've fallen down this path too, and it's never helpful or healthy for your relationship. Men come in all shapes and sizes, and they have completely different ways of communicating. Perhaps it's helpful to think about what you're missing from your relationship, in case you and your significant other just aren't compatible, but it's just as helpful to think about what your man brings to the table that YOU enjoy, regardless of what other men have to offer. At his core, you can't change your man, but you can remind yourself of why you fell for him in the first place.
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2) Most men don't like to talk about feelings. And as far as I can tell, most women don't even want them to talk about feelings. I consider myself strange, because my boyfriend is one of the clingiest, most emotional guys I've ever met, and I absolutely don't have a problem with it. Maybe I've overloaded on silly boy band songs and romance novels (I don't even read them, though!), but if he wants to fill a notebook of love letters while I'm studying abroad (yes, he did this two years ago), I'm all for it. I immediately melt and become a pile of mushy lovey feelings. BUT here's the catch: an emotional guy comes with a whole host of other features that many girls can't seem to handle. He's more likely to cry, more likely to be insecure. If you can't handle that, then appreciate a guy for all the things he is for you: strong and self-sufficient. If he's with you and there's nothing else going wrong in your relationship, I'm sure he cares, even if he doesn't express it every five seconds.
3) Dramatic actions like "breaks" and "temporary breakups" don't make a guy take you seriously. If you want something from your man, there are ways to ask him besides making the relationship into a game of chicken. I learned this recently in my own relationship, with some help from my lovely ol' dad. Ultimatums are not helpful; they just breed resentment and negativity. If it's time for your guy to buy a new car, offer to go with him. Think of it as an adventure. Lightly express your preference if it's appropriate, but don't nag or push him into things he doesn't want. And don't be upset if he doesn't go with your choice car... at least he bought the car, and that's what you were hoping for. In other words, make a reasonable goal, stick to it, and be happy if the goal is achieved. Don't push the limits to see how far you can take it.
I started this post with a particular friend in mind, but it's ultimately a reference for me, for when I hit rough patches in my relationship (I mean... of course I'm not going through a particularly rough patch.... ::shifty eyes::). In the meantime, I hope it's helpful to others! As always, I want to hear your stories. Please feel free to comment or e-mail me. :-)a
